Oy vey but you are a funny lot! My dear readers, you make me laugh when you write to me that you want me to “hurry up” and get to the point about how I transformed my life and, in the process, lost a ton of weight. You make me giggle because this “hurry up” notion is part of exactly what got me to feeling like shit to begin with (as revealed in my last article). And it’s not a fast-food mentality that is going to shift that “feeling like shit” pattern. So trust me, dear readers…there is a point to the time I am taking to share this process with you. If I tell you about it more quickly, then I am simply allowing you to continue at your “hurry up” pace and that’s totally self-destructive!
“It’s time to chill.”
That was the massive message I received once I fully embraced the truth of feeling like shit. I had to chill. The life I had created for myself was not one of calm and serenity but one of chaos and misery. I was a hamster in a wheel running nowhere, fast! I was a magpie flitting from one thing to another thing to another thing to another thing. I was so busy being busy, living in a mode of “reactivity” that I could not enjoy anything. Not really. I was an adrenaline junkie.
My addiction to adrenaline began in my early years with childhood trauma. I continued to use my drug of choice into high school where I was president of this, captain of that, editor of something else, and held down 2 full-time jobs each summer and one part-time job during the school year, and also pulled off top marks. When I reached university I was exhausted. My adrenal glands were fried at age 18.
But did I heed the warnings? Nope. As I crashed and burned around November of my first year at Western, my parents believed I had joined a cult or something. I was so “different” from the “me” that they thought me to be. I was morose, philosophical, and seeking answers to the meaning of life beyond the course work and drama of living in a dorm of 19-year old girls who just wanted to party. Taking a year off of University might have provided me with a new approach to life but sadly, it did not. I didn’t understand my addiction to adrenaline so I just kept seeking ways to find it.
Enter a succession of bad relationships, 70-hour work weeks, houses that were constantly in a state of disrepair, step-children, babies, poverty, sickness, car crashes, and chocolate. I sought out adrenaline wherever I could find it…and find it I did.
It took me years to figure out what the hell I was doing, to recognize the self-defeating way in which I was choosing to live my life. But it took me even longer to figure out how to stop the cycle once and for all.
With the help of a fabulous team (homeopath and Bowen therapist Donna Costa, psychologists Shapiro and Weisz, teachers Lori Wilson and Debra Tate, intuitive counselor Lisa Dennys, and coach Pat Mussieux), some incredible books (Paula Coelho, Mike Dooley, Marianne Williamson, Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Neal Donald Walsch) and the support of some stellar women (especially my soul sister Marcelle), I finally stopped using adrenaline as my drug of choice. I admitted I had a problem. I felt like shit.
And I entered rehab.
Dear readers, I know you want “more” but there is it. Now take the time to ask yourselves: are you addicted to adrenaline? Do you run like a hamster in the wheel constantly moving from one thing to another? Do you ever take a breath or are you simply “too busy?” When was the last time you sat on your ass and did nothing – not because you were sick, but because you wanted to? Is your life calm and serene or chaotic and miserable? Be honest with yourself. You just may find that you, too, need to join me in rehab.